If you have had a toxic boss, their mere presence will make you anxious even after you have left that job.
Why is that?
It turns out that this anxiety is triggered by an unconscious process, which you can’t control intellectually.
When you go through trauma, your brain forms memories associating that context (e.g., people, place, things) with a threat — in the above example, your boss gets associated with criticism or humiliation. These are called ‘associative memories.’
So when you see your ex-boss, your brain pulls up that associative memory and perceives a threat, triggering anxiety and a fight-or-flight response.
Curiously, your memories may associate that trauma with anything in that context, such as your office’s sights, sounds, and smells. For some people, even seeing that office building will trigger anxiety!
And these things happen unconsciously before you even realize it.
Then how does one overcome this? It turns out that you can’t erase these memories but create alternative positive ones.
E.g., if you fear public speaking, give talks in front of small friendly groups, gradually expanding the audience. Over time, your brain will form memories associating public speaking with a positive experience.
And when these positive memories are strong enough, they will override the negative ones and the fear will be gone. This is called exposure therapy.
Fear can only be overcome by facing it, even if gradually. Hiding from it only keeps it alive.
PS: For severe trauma, a good therapist can be of great help.
– Rajan